people might be mad at me because of this? i don't feel like i need to have an ambition. i just love doing my things. cause everything turns into an anxiety every time i see it as a ... goal? a something that i need to achive. gua inget pas SD ada hafalan surah. gua belum hafal dan gua mau ke sekolah. gua inget gua paling terakhir balik les matematika karena gua ga hafal cara ngitung yang -+ gitu-gitu, pas di jalan pulang dijemput gua nangis banget. gua inget setiap pagi kamis bangun lebih awal buat ngafalin hadist. i think all of those things traumatize me alot.

 and now i'm here doing my thesis. awikwok. all of my friends are done i mean mereka udah sidang semua, LIKE SEMUA i told y'all. dan gua masih di sini. mau nyolder antena gue. gua jadi questioning, mungkin karena gua terlalu banyak meremehkan kehidupan? mungkin karena sebenernya potensi gua ga sebagus orang lain? dan gua ... ga take 4x steps.

but i talk to oomf this evening. is that okay if we don't have ambition? 

1. Gua inget punya percakapan bersama nyokap, what if i'm not success like SUCCESS? Punya mobil bmw tinggal di kemang liburan ke eropa tiap bulan awikwok. people struggle. what if i just eat something that we gather or pancing atau telur dari ayam petelur yang kita punya? "It's okay," she said. 

2. "Kita guru-guru ga berharap tiap orang jd lulusan ivy league, nemuin obat kanker atau peraih nobel. kita cuma mau lebih banyak orang yang suka belajar dan eksplorasi apapun. jalanin hidup, sepenuh hati, bantu orang lain dengan apa yng lu tau. gaada yang salah dengan jadi 'orang biasa'." - bang pras zen edu yang gua masih bacain blognya sampai detik ini. 

gua gatau orang-orang ini masih dengan prinsip yang sama atau engga, tapi since that itulah pegangan hidup gua. i love exploring things. gua bahkan baca bukunya david bodanis electric universe to found out what my topic is, i skimming balanis book, buku yang gua gatau exsist sebelumnya.

i found this happy tp sebatas yaudah me happy to read a good phrase, tp being an engineer, bukan lagi ternyata? to optimize something HUFT capek banget draining. but i think the core is because i dont give a 100% of energy mybe???

 despite of that, things that we talk this evening is "should people explore all of their potential?" and the potential we talk here is alot of resources. i mean work hard, paid hard. become a rich man in babylon. 

 2 juta tahun---12.000 tahun---zaman kerajaan---era modern.

we do the evolution and revolution. dalam jarak sebegitu cepatnya kita harus compete? mengikuti zaman, bekerja dan explore all of our potential?

 jujur gua pun ga mengerti explore all of potential ini gimana awikwok. u just hustle and u money oriented. slow down and take a deep breath to live a life. i wont say to the fullest because what a parameter of the fullest here awikwok.

just life man. scroll. crawl in ur bed. get tuku and talk and eat something good. maybe this is because in my brain that i have my safety net and i choose people that not a hustler kali ya wkwkwk. terus ini pembahasan bisa geser ke "what's the meaning of life?" since me is nihilism, i can't say anything wkwk. 

honestly, its not going anywhere. WKWKWK. yaudah lah ya.